The weight of living
by whocaresanyway
Summary: Annabeth cracks while Percy is gone, and turns to the only thing she can think of to take the pain away. TW: Self-harm


***author's note*  
Hi guys. Thank you for taking the time to click on my fanfic, and I hope you get something out of it. I think it'll be a one shot, and I'm sorry to start with something so heavy but it's something that I've been thinking about writing for a while. PLEASE drop me a review if you have time, I need all the help and constructive criticism I can get, and if you enjoyed it, please take a few seconds of your time. Thank you! Also I would like to say that this is in _no way_ romanticising or condoning self harm. It's never the right choice, and in this fic it shows that although the strongest of us can be weak, giving in just makes us weaker.**

Annabeth stands before the mirror, and raises her eyes to meet themselves, swirling seas of grey like a concentrated storm shine dimly from the pale whites surrounding them. Percy always said her eyes were beautiful. Percy is gone.

The thought brings heavy tears to her eyes, spilling out and rolling down her cheeks, dripping off her chin and onto the grey hooded sweatshirt that she wears a lot lately. She tells everyone that it's because it has begun to get cold again, but with the temperature control inside Camp Half-Blood's protective sphere preventing any such thing, the other campers know that the reason she wears it is because it was one few clothing items Percy wore regularly. Any lingering smell of his aftershave is long gone, but Annabeth clings on to the last shred of him that she has left. She sleeps with it next to her, wears it all day, sleeves too long so that they flop down revealing only long, slender fingers, nails bitten to shreds. Her Athena cabinmates notice, but no one says.

Annabeth stands under the harsh light of the Athena cabin bathroom, and lowers her gaze. She can't even hold her own eye contact anymore. Her eyes flit from her feet to the back of the next camper when she walks. When she eats, which is rarely, she keeps her eyes firmly on her own bare plate and looks to the unoccupied Poseidon table when she thinks no-one's watching.

The blue and grey hues of tile that line the spacious communal toilet reflect on each other, and create the effect of a sea through Annabeth's teary eyes. She balls her fists up and emits a noise halfway between a sob and a scream as she smashes her fists into the mirror. The glass cracks but doesn't fall  
'7 years bad luck.' She almost laughs between her sobs.

She hates herself. She hates what she's become. Why, she asks herself, is she this way? Before Percy came along, and during their time together she was always strong Annabeth, brave and smart Annabeth, tough and independent. When had she become dependent on the reassurance of a boy? Why was she so vulnerable, so broken without Percy? She knew the answer – of course she did - just couldn't admit it to herself; she had loved him and trusted him, as she had Luke, and he had promised not to let her down. Now he was missing and he had betrayed her. Just like everyone else. How long can a person stay strong under so much disappointment? Annabeth had held the world on her shoulders, but could no longer cope with the weight of living.

An involuntary sniffle brings her back to the present. Back to what she is about to do.  
She's heard about what happens to people who cut. It's a last resort, a cry for help. But she _needs_ some way to stop the pain, or at least take some of it out of her head. Athena reasoning told her that it would balance her out, turning the interior pain exterior. She was wrong of course, but then again her reasoning was not at its best.

Annabeth brings the razorblade closer to her wrist, hovering over the endearing blue of her ulnar artery. She stops. She doesn't want to bleed out. No, then her cabinmates would have to find her here. She brings the blade further up her arm and brings it closer to the skin again. Once again, she pauses, and the nearly inaudible voice of reasoning at the back of her head rings clear and true through her for the first time in months- _'is this what you want?'  
_The immediate answer, that she croaks with more anger than she would've expected is '_yes'.  
_She brings the blade to her inner-forearm once again and without giving herself time to think, pushes against the skin in a slashing motion, away from herself. A flash of white hot pain leeches its way in and around the cut. Annabeth cries out, loud enough that it echoes all around her in the empty bathroom. Blood spurts readily from the cut she made, and with another yell she clamps a hand over the gash. She's cut too deep, and the deep red of the blood spills through the gaps between her fingers like liquid shadow, coating the sink alarmingly fast.  
Grabbing a towel from the rack next to the sink with her left hand, she wipes the blood from her right and pushed the towel on as hard as she can, inflicting more pain, partially voluntarily. She sinks down the wall and lands hard, jolting her back before re-applying pressure to the towel, and raking sobs constrict her chest and screw her face. Pain shoots up her back and her arm, and dark spots begin to dance in front of her eyes. Annabeth is vaugley aware that she needs to get help before she passes out, but any strength she had has left her. She is broken.

_2 minutes earlier_

'Hey, it's Piper, right?' Rachel Elizibeth Dare asks, a note of not undetected panic in her voice as she chases after the new camper on the path outside the Athena cabin.

'Yeah,' Piper says, flashing an uncertaint smile, 'You're... uh... Rachel? What's up?'

'Um, strange question but I saw that you were outside cabin 6 with the blonde guy... Jason? I saw you and I'm wondering, did you see Annabeth going in or anything? She showed you around when you first came here, blonde hair, grey ey-'

'I know Annabeth, but no. She looked bummed out the other day, is she okay?'

'Well... If I'm honest I'm worried about her. Her boyfreind Percy went missing, you've probably heard, and she's not eating. She looks like she never sleeps and... Well, can I tell you something strictly confidential?'

'Um... Yeah, I guess' Piper murmurs, uncertaint about why the girl she's only just met is entrusting her with all this information about her new freind.

'Well...,' the flustered girl draws out her words, clearly deliberating about whether she should tell this relative stranger.  
'...Actually you know what, I'm probably just being paranoid. It doesn't matter, but will you come see if she's in there with me, the Athena cabin makes me a little uncomfortable, with all the SMART boards and all... Like I'm back in school.' Rachel jokes, trying unsuccessfully to laugh off the awkwardness of the moment.  
Piper laughs and follows Rachel into the Athena Cabin. They walk past building models and hundreds of books crammed onto drooping shelves before they find Annabeth's bunk, unnocupied. The sheets are unmade and the pillow is still indented with the curve of Anabeth's head. All other beds are meticulous, looking as if they'd never even been slept in.

'She's not here then...' Piper murmurs, looking around the cabin for any signs of Annabeth having been there recently.

'Nah, lets - Wait. What's that?' She asks, more to herself than Piper, and points to a half zipped up bag that lies on the shelf Annabeth made to hold books beside her bed. It's flowery and pink and not big enough to hold even a regular paperback, and the decoration looks like something out of a Aphrodite child's dreams.

'I think that's Annabeths... Uh... Private stuff.' Piper says awkwardly, 'We should leave it, it would be an invas-'  
But Rachel has already grabbed it, and tips it upside down onto the sheets, spilling out the plastic shards of a razor, but no blade. It looks like it had been stepped on, smashing the head more than the handle.

'Oh Gods. She's taken the blade.' Rachel murmurs, and Piper faulters for moment, putting together the pieces in her mind.

'Wait, you mean she's, like, cutting herself?'  
Rachel doesn't reply, but instead she sprints towards the door of the bathroom. hands spread, ready to push it open, but instead - SLAM, Rachel smacks into the door, which usually pushed open with ease. She rattles the door on its hinges before turning to Piper -

'She's locked it... Oh Gods, oh Goooods... Do you have any coins, or a card or just ANYTHING?'  
Piper frantically rummages through her pockets, pulling out a thin headbands and snapping it in two without question. She hands the straighter piece to Rachel, who slots it in the groove cut in the lock for emergencies and turns it clockwise. She fumbles about for a few seconds before getting it in properly, and kicks the door with all her might.

_The present_

Deafeningly, the door bursts open, and a red faced Rachel bursts in, dragging behind her a paling Piper.  
'ANNABE-' she begins, before she sees her, crumpled against the wall, a saturated towel in hand. A bloodied blade lies just out of reach on the floor. Her head is lolled back against the wall, and her face is alarmingly pale; Annabeth is bleeding out.  
'Oh Gods. Piper get Jason, Malcom, - just get the first guy you see, we need to get her to the infirmary!' Rachel spouts frantically. Piper nods and without question sprints back out of the Athena cabin. Rachel runs the short distance to Annabeth and slides onto her knees, desperately checking her for signs of life. She sees the rise and fall of her chest and breathes a sigh of relief.  
'Okay Annabeth, I need for you to hold on with me here, come on, wake up Annabeth, I'm here now, it's okay, it's all alright, you're going to be fine...'  
Rachel expends her list of reassurances as soon as she starts it, and her voice takes a frantic edge as she slaps Annabeth lightly, trying anything to make her wake up. As she slaps the left side of her face, Annabeth eyelids flutter and then open slowly as if sealed shut.  
'Rachel... I... I'm sorry' she all but breathes, and a tear rolls down Rachel's cheek silently as she forces a smile for her friend.  
'Annabeth, it's okay, just don't talk right now, help is coming,' Rachel whispers into Annabeth's cheek, holding her close, cradling her as well as supporting her, crushing the still bleeding arm against her chest.

Piper sprints out from the Athena cabin, yelling at the top of her voice, screaming for help as her normally olive complexion grows pale. Jason, Connor Stoll and Will Solace come running, followed by a few interested younger campers.  
'Connor, your jacket, now! Jason, come with me!'  
She deftly grabs the oversized hoodie out of the air and sprints back into the Athena cabin, not waiting for Jason's reply, instead grabbing his hand tightly and pulling him through the doorway. Together they run through the bunks and into the toilets. As Jason begins to form the start of a question he's met by the sight of Rachel, holding Annabeth upright against the wall and talking slowly into her hair. Piper throws the hoodie over Annabeth's slight frame and Jason picks her up , her right arm dangling limply over one muscular shoulder, the other cradled in the curve of her stomach, her legs bent at the knee, Jason's arm underneath both knees. Rachel tucks the hoodie around her back, making sure no one sees her arm as they run to the infirmary. Piper and Rachel run alongside Jason and they're followed with shouted questions. Rachel periodically looks over at Annabeth, and watches as she grows paler and paler. Just as they run past the big house, Chiron rolls out onto the deck in his wheelchair, and takes the scene in at breakneck pace. He yells at them to stop, and Piper catches Jason's arm before they can run clear. 'In here. QUICKLY!' Chiron barks and they turn without question. Jason takes the stairs two at a time, not knowing what's happening but sensing the urgency in Chiron's voice. Once inside, he sets Annabeth down lightly on the couch and pulls away the hoodie to show Chiron. The centaur reaches down and brushes his fingertips along Annabeth's pale cheeks.  
'Oh, my poor, brave girl.' He whispers hoarsely, before snapping his eyes up to Jason:  
'Get the healers.'

_-3 days later –_

Annabeth sits up in her temporary bed in the big house surrounded by friends. Malcolm, Jason, Piper and Rachel sit around her, and talk quietly. The whole camp knows that Annabeth is up at the big house, but no one really knows why apart from the Athena campers and the group that now sits around the bed. Wild rumors circulate around the camp, some laughable and some worryingly close to the truth.

'I heard that you got attacked by a Minotaur in the bathroom Annabeth! You fought bravely but before you turned him into dust, he threw you through three sets of cabin walls.' Malcolm says in a kiddy voice – trying to break the tention. They all laugh, including Annabeth.

'If you think I look bad, you should see the other guy' Annabeth croaks back, and the laughter grows louder. She smiles weakly, and for the first time in months, it's real - not forced and her eyes smile with her mouth. Her colour is back with her, and she's begun to eat again, three meals a day. The ugly gash is bandaged and already fading, but there is an edge to all the laughter, all the 'light' conversation is timid and all the laughter measured. They don't speak of why she's really there, acknowledge it but don't mention. Annabeth too lowers her head while she speaks. She's ashamed of what she did. Her friends have already forgiven her, but no one can really judge what's happening in her head. She changes from day to day.

No one notices, but Piper is quiet when they visit. She's harbouring a secret, but now for the right reasons. Annabeth is regaining hope; the first night in the big house, Piper stayed with Annabeth all night, and as dawn broke, Annabeth began to regain consciousness. Her eyes flickered open, and she took a slow breath in, her chest jarring and shuddering from when she was crying. She went to brush her hair from her face, then remembered what she had done, once again tears threatening to spill out over her her heavy eyes. She looked over to Piper, her eyes strormy, grabbing her hand with surprising strength and looking her dead in the eye.  
'Don't tell Percy.'


End file.
